At the start of every new year, we intend on becoming better, leaner, more ambitious people and we convince ourselves that now is the perfect time to challenge ourselves unachievable goals. Spoiler Alert: it’s not and will never be a good time to commit to anything other than Netflix.
Fear not, we can ride this sh*t storm out together. So let’s raise a glass of wine… water (a shout out to the dry January crowd) to the most miserable month of the year. Here are 20 things that you’ll probably find yourself doing.
The only way is up, guys!
1. Think about dry Jan
2. And very quickly think of 175367 reasons as to why not
3. Embark upon an imaginary journey to get your body back
4. Then forget you’ve started that said journey but instead eat your entire body weight in leftover cheese
5. Do not sit up and feel CHEATED when there’s no abs
6. Decide to dedicate all that time you don’t have to a new hobby, simply because you had promised yourself that you’ll become a fuller version of yourself!
7. Treat yourself to a new notepad. The ruled line will keep you on the straight and narrow
8. Lose your tiny mind over all the ‘new year, new me’ members that are hogging the treadmills and fail to acknowledge that you’re one of them
9. Shake your head at the farce that is….our new government! Can we please get a refund on this lot?
10. Convincing yourself that you should have signed up for an exercise event
11. And very quickly regret it as tracking down your lost Hermes parcel five times a month is basically like a Marathon anyways
12. Whilst tidying up your computer and realising that the reason why you didn’t have any time to achieve anything because you were too invested in…memes
13. Realising that line you thought were temporary dehydration line from NYE have now got their feet right underneath the tables and have settled in your face…permanently
14. Feel sorry for your mates who have January birthdays. But not that sorry enough to actually….attend
15. ‘Snow’ becomes the seasonal conversation filler: Not wishing for snow. Wishing for snow. The snow and trains. The inconvenience of snow. The snow and road closures. The snow and office closure. The snow and school closure.
16. Spending an eye-watering amount of money on expensive gym leggings as that’s the kind of emotional support you need when you’re caught in a spin class.
17. Start to spiralize everything: butternut squash, your credit cards
18. Forgetting how to wear clothes with buttons and zips cos your junk is so used to Christmas PJs for long periods..far beyond the point of reasonable cleanliness
19. Cleaning the sh*t out of your home. There’s nothing like spending some quality time with Zoflora.
20. Realising that it’s been January for 3 months now